I'm Jazz

It's not my real name, of course, but it is how I feel. Or how I like to feel. Louis Armstrong once said, "if you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know." I get that. I find that as a writer, which I am, listening to jazz while I work opens my head up in amazing ways. It gets those synapses crackling and wakes up my senses. It opens me up to new possibilities and new ideas in my work. It makes my soul dance. That’s the way we all want to feel, right? It’s certainly the kind of person I'd like to be. So for now, just call me Jazz.

I have a mountain of weight to lose. A mountain. No joke. I'm a 5'4 1/2" woman and as of this morning I weigh 367.4 lbs. It's a bit depressing to say that out loud, gotta say. It doesn’t ‘feel’ like me, you know? It doesn’t ‘feel’ like the truth. But it is the truth. And it’s a truth I need to own.

For years I masked feelings with food. I did it for so long that even when I really began to feel better emotionally, I couldn’t break the bad habits to halt the upward trajectory of my weight, and now, voila.

This year I will be 12 years married to an amazing man and the love of my life. I was living, writing and teaching in Los Angeles when I met my true love and followed him to the True North. Now I live in Toronto. We have two rockin’ kids. One is in her second year of University in British Columbia and our baby is heading off to University this fall, probably to McGill.

My lover has weight issues too, and we have not always been good for one another in that capacity. Recently, we decided that now was the time to act. We are in our forties and would very much like to live a long and happy life together. We realize that heart attacks are right around the corner if we don’t take action. We have tried and failed several diets, several times over the last four years, but this time we are approaching things a bit differently. Rather than going on a “diet,” we are trying to change our lifestyle and our lifestyle eating habits.

Using the Weight Watcher program as a guide to portion control and daily intake, we are focusing on preparing food from scratch with fresh ingredients, and going farm-to-table (eating locally grown ingredients) wherever possible. We also are going to incorporate more activity into our lives. We both work at home and being this heavy has led to a fairly solitary and sedentary lifestyle. But I want to go to the theater or the movies or the orchestra again and fit comfortably in a chair. I want to go for a walk, or to the beach, or even just to the mall without getting a sore back and getting winded. I want to see my friends more. I want my amazing sex life back! There is so much to discover and to rediscover. There is so much to work toward and look forward to.

My sweetheart and I are in this together and very supportive of one another, which is an enormous blessing in my life. I really have to give major props to those out there who are trying to lose substantial weight on their own, and most especially to those trying to go it alone in households that remain otherwise unhealthy food environments. I have been there too, and man, it’s rough.

I decided I needed a place to write about this journey, as honestly as possible. Journaling is such a marvelous opportunity to look into one’s soul and take stock. It helps me identify good and bad patterns and habits, and acts as a ventilation system for things I need to get out. I decided to put a blog here in the ether, so I could share it with people who may be on a similar journey, going through similar trials.

I will write about feelings, good and bad. I will write about food and about cooking. I will write about dining out. I will write about activities of all kinds. I will write about my struggles but I will also, surely, write about new adventures. I will write about anything and anyone I meet along the road.

I would be honored to have you share the trip with me!